my two tests yesterday were successful. i did not drown or get made into soup.
the metabolic test was a little freaky in the beginning. you see, i have this thing about having my nose pinched closed and not being able to breath because i forget i can open my mouth and breath. terry will occasionally pinch my nose and laugh as i panic over not being…well, you get the idea. the test involved nose pinchers and a mouthpiece attached to a hose which was attached to a machine. i also used the nose pinchers as a puppet but that’s another story for another day. i had to breath through my mouth for 12 minutes into the tube with my nose pinched closed. reading helped me stay focused on the words and not the fact that i thought i was going to suffocate. breathing got easier as i concentrated on the magazine and relaxed as i read…as i read…what the heck did i read? gosh, i thought i was relaxed. at the end of the 12 minutes dave came in and freed me from the constraints. i was happy. then it was bathing suit time and happy went bye-bye.
i changed into my suit and dave weighed me again. he’d weighed me in my jeans and t-shirt and took a ‘before’ picture when i first arrived. he really wanted a before in the suit but that was not gonna happen. so, i’m in the suit, getting weighed (good, because it was two pounds less) and it’s time to get into the tank with the rack for the FitnessWave test. as i sat on the side of the tank dave explained the purpose of the scale and the rack that was attached to it. after i commented on the uniqueness of it, he softly explained that this test was not the original purpose of the device. i looked it over again and thought, “hmmm…maybe sides of beef hung off this thing, or…holy crap.” but it made sense to me. the weirder thing is that it didn’t even creep me out. somehow i knew that the actual weighted object never touched the rack which is only a support and you can’t get these rack things used anyway. can you?
so…he explained what i had to do: get down on my knees on the bottom of the pot, i mean the tank, grab the front of the rack and put my toes on the back of the rack, then lay down. my head was going to be above the water until i had to take a deep breath, go under, pull the rack toward me and exhale until all the bubbles died out and things went black. ha! just kidding. the first try my feet came off and i got all a-twitter about being underwater and coordinating the whole dance. second try was better and the third try was perfect. dave was happy. as i gasped for air when i came out of the water he said, “that was perfect.” i almost drowned but it was perfect. it was so perfect he wanted me to do it again. more perfection. i told him my secret. i’m a method actor, so i became dead.
the results of each test told me way too much information. i’d hoped to be metabolically challenged. i’m not. i’m just lazy and eat too much. to lose pounds at my weight and height i need to eat 1700-1800 calories with 1-3 hours of exercise a day. if i don’t exercise i get 1500 calories. the FitnessWave body composition test was a real eye opener for me. i discovered that my body is 44.5% fat. that’s gross. the fat weighs 94.3 pounds. talk about gross…good gravy. wait! hold that gravy! good grief!! i do have some lean body mass, though. 55.5% actually and i’m very proud of it wherever it might be hiding.
i’ve got a long road ahead of me. oh, the humiliation and despair about my body fat. woe is me.
i’m a method actor, though. for three months i’ll become someone who’s loving the whole process.